March Insanity

   March Madness. For some, it's a time of great excitement laced with nervous anticipation. For others (residents of Lexington, Kentucky) it's a time to analyze the shortcomings of each fan's life to see which sin could have possibly led to this inexplicable torture. For most, it's an excuse to get drunk at a Buffalo Wild Wings and cheer for small college kids whose names will escape them as soon as sobriety returns. For whatever reason you celebrate, there is an entirely likely chance you experience the highs and lows of March madness. The madness in and of itself is fun, mostly because everyday citizens with no ties to the tournament are able to submerge ourselves in the action. We tie our emotionally unstable well beings to certain teams we feel could win it all and follow the exploits of particular players with more passion than their own parents.

                         Tyrone Watson from New Mexico State just missed a three. My weekend is shot.

   The key to enjoying March Madness is to be GOOD at it. There's a method to the madness, and here we will explain how to not only survive the madness, but thrive in it.

STEP 1: KNOW YOUR ECOSYSTEM

  I bet most of you, (approximately 4 out of the 6 that read this) expected this to be a methodical approach to how to pick your bracket so you can finally beat Todd from cubicle 206 in your office pool. That nerd seems to know just understand the system. Jerk. He smells like beans anyway. We'll get to that, but the first thing you need to know about this tournament is that it is SO much more enjoyable when you experience it with the correct type of people. Several types of people like to mingle during basketball's answer to Christmas, so you need to know how to interact with certain stereotypes.

TYPE 1: LOYAL FAN OF INVOLVED TEAM

  You know this guy. This guy screams "Rock Chalk Jayhawk" every time he sees someone sporting a blue shirt. He owns a picture of Bill Self riding a stallion that if you squint, kinda looks like Mario Chalmers. When he saw that you picked Roy Williams, (basically his ex-wife x10,000) and the Tar Heels to knock of his pride and joy Jayhawks, you became his greatest rival.

  

Every uncontested layup Kansas has against Western Kentucky will elicit an "IN YOUR FACE!" reaction directed toward you.

  Basically, don't watch games with this guy. He's obnoxious when he wins and he's a wreck when he loses. There's no reason to subject yourself to undeserved torture from the crazy guy who tattooed Sherron Collins like a tramp stamp on his back. You're more than likely to know at least a handful of these guys, and if you don't, you'll certainly hear some this year.

TYPE 2: LUNARDI-ESQUE STATS GURU

  I'm qualified to speak on this group of fans because I happen to be one. I can name you each player in  each one seeded teams entire rotation, complete with listed heights and weights. If you know anyone like me, expect to hear absolutely useless jargon like this often. It's not necessary. Most of the time, it's also irrelevant, but it proves our knowledge, something that you absolutely don't need to know and something we don't need validated. This surrogate like quest for information comes with drawbacks, but if done correctly, hanging out with this stat geek can be one of your best decisions. First, do your best to acquire a guru who only spouts knowledge when you ask him. This person is likely so consumed with basketball as a whole that he won't feel emotionally attached to any of the teams, allowing you to enjoy your now more informed brand of basketball watchery a little more peacefully.

                           

                             If your guru references Lunardi over three times, you found a keeper.

TYPE 3: THE CASUAL FAN

  Casual fans make up a vast majority of the people you will meet, so be sure to understand this group. Almost everything is straightforward, as these fans are basically involved in the madness to have a good time. Casual fans don't however just start as casual fans, they develop into this state of fanhood. Whether statistical analysis was to difficult to cope with or their team failed to make the tournament, this fan is basically, well, basic. The only downsides to the casual fan are simple. Casual fans get bored quickly, often the average fan at the bar is there for the bar, not to be a fan. The truly infuriating part of the casual fan however, is that despite a completely lackadaisical approach to bracket competitions, the casual fans ALMOST ALWAYS dominate bracket contests. With no rhyme or reason, these gut instinct good timers often pull of the greatest upsets. Stat nerds tend to over think scenarios and matchups, and die hard fans will always pull for their own team, even though it's slightly unrealistic that South Dakota State won't advance to the Elite 8 before narrowly losing to Kansas due to poor foul calls. March madness earned its title because there is no rhyme or reason to the games. It's simply madness! Reason states that Butler couldn't lose their best player-turned-lottery pick Gordon Heyward and return to the nation's spotlight a year later. Madness however, does. So remember, these casual fans that make picks based on gut feelings and coin flips are often natures most secret geniuses.




                 

                                 This little girl will use those coins to blast my bracket out of the sky.

TYPE 4: THE KNOW-NOTHING FAN

   If a fellow patron poses the question, "Who's winning?" while the score is obviously posted, or if you meet a partaker who wonders, "What quarter is it?", or if you by unfortunate mishap converse with someone who asks you, "What inning are we in?" (this has actually happened to me before, beware, this is not hyperbole) you have met the know-nothing fan. This is the average Joe played one year of little league and  never touched a baseball again. The Joe thinks that ESPN is Sweedish for something and that Shaquille O'Neal was as dominant a point guard as he was an actor.

           
                                                          Which, I guess, is more or less true...


   Society has taught us to hate these people. What self-respecting man shuns sport? It's a part of culture and a highpoint of life! As it turns out, an awful lot of these people exist, and they tend to emerge just in time for big events such as the big dance. The key to coexisting with this group of "fans" comes from patience in dealing with their remarkably uninformed banter. If at all possible, you do want to avoid this group, as this subspecies has become notorious for asking mind numbing questions and igniting conversations of little or no relevance to the present game, and often distract from the otherwise glorious festivities.

                                      

Now watch in horror as your sweet old grandma transitions seemlessly from Scott Wood's clutch three to her weekly book club conversations.

          

STEP 2: FILLING OUT YOUR BRACKET

   A few paragraphs ago I touched on how the seemingly average spectators seem to dominate bracket challenges. The true madness of march is that, in all reality, any sort of statistical rationale kinda flies out the window. Very few of the statistical truths that seem to alter basketball on a deeper level ever come to fruition in March. In fact, very few statistical categories should be considered when judging how you believe different teams will fair. Here's a list of typically successful measuring rods for postseason success.

1. DEFENSIVE EFFENCIENCY

When it comes to the tournament, most stats fly out the window, but not all. While it is a new season itself, we can infer much about the success of teams based on certain traits they displayed during the regular season. Year in and year out, one trait has risen to the height of recognition. Defense wins championships. Period. Kentucky blocked a monstrous NINE shots per game during their historic championship run last year. Anthony Davis powered the Wildcats to a trophy by sending away four and a half shots per game while altering dozens of others. USF reached the sweet sixteen after playing what may have been the ugliest basketball in the history of the tournament. Rarely do we see players take plays off on OFFENSE to conserve energy for DEFENSE.

                          

Studies also show that often shooters were distracted by Anthony's oddly placed mustache and lost focus while shooting.

Given the history, here are a list of teams who play physical smash mouth defense who may make betting on them a little more soothing.

WISCONSIN- Bo Ryan's club not only plays some of the most infuriating and controlling defense in the country, the Badgers have drawn a very easy path to Atlanta. The west region is captained by Gonzaga, who's only defensive test were the Cowboys from Oklahoma State, and familiar rival Ohio State, a very beatable team.

LOUISVILLE- The Cardinals play solid all around defense, led by backcourt ballhawks Peyton Siva and Russ Smith. Gorgui Dieng sures up the middle with his omnipresent shot blocking ability. The Cardinals are good for an 81.0 adjusted defensive efficiency according to the Pomeroy rankings, good for first in the nation.

                                            

                                Gorgui doesn't know what that means, but he's happy about it.

PITTSBURG/BUTLER- The panthers are as tough as they come. Pitt wins games because of defense and rebounding, and pose a dangerous challenge to Gonzaga's run to the Peach state. Butler wins games in a similar fashion, the bulldogs will grind out any team over a forty minute span making each minute seem like a different unique hour of hell.

2. CONSISTENT PLAY AND SHOOTING

  Teams that play consistent basketball are often savvy veteran bunches who simply execute on a nightly basis. These teams rarely lose bad games, and you know what to expect from these guys, as opposed to a streaky team who may or may not find the fire in time for the big dance. Some of these veteran teams include:

MEMPHIS- The Tigers breezed through the Conference USA like everyone else was moving in slow motion, and comparatively, they were. Memphis simply doesn't lose to bad teams, and are led by senior point guard Joe Jackson, a man who made all the right plays in their double overtime thriller against Southern Miss. The Tigers shoot a commendable 48% from the field, and typically grind out a consistent performance. The only question that remains, will their consistent approach work against teams who are actually any good?

CREIGHTON- The Blue Jays shoot the ball at an ungodly 51% from the floor and a mind blowing 42% from three, higher than 137 teams shoot from the entire floor. Doug McDermott will churn out some performances for the ages, the only test for the Jays is can they defend upper echelon teams.

MICHIGAN STATE- This Spartan team has the feel of a classic Tom Izzo basketball team. Led by a dynamic point guard and the nation's toughest interior game, the Spartans will consistently punch you in the mouth until either you foul out or bleed out, which ever comes first. Never bet against a veteran Izzo club.

               

                                  Get too low on the block and Derrick Nix may actually eat you.

3. FREE THROW SHOOTING

  Teams that shoot free throws well typically advance very far in the tournament. As basketball gets more physical, more fouls are called. As fouls are called, free throws are rewarded. As free throws are hit, champions are crowned. Here is a list of teams who consistently knock down shots at the charity stripe:

DAVIDSON- Dangerous upset potential, great in the clutch at 80.1%

OKLAHOMA- Veteran team with a knack for winning games they shouldn't shoot at 76%

OKLAHOMA STATE- Wily defensive team as well, shoots free throws at 75%

4. PICK A TEAM YOU LIKE!

  As we discussed, all advanced numbers mean little in this time of havoc in basketball. Sometimes the best thing to do is follow your gut. Unashamedly, I have the Michigan Wolverines winning it all this year. Why? Because Trey Burke is the best player in America when he's on, and when the limelight is on, so is he. I also love Tim Hardaway Jr, and I don't really care about their lower than desired seeding. Their 9-7 skid after starting out 17-0? What of it? Pick a guy you like to root for, and follow him to greatness. A friend of mine attached himself to Kemba Walker after his stunning Big East tournament run and rode him to a national title. Simply pick a team you want to win and go! There's little evidence to suggest otherwise anyway.

                                             Although I will admit, these jersey's are getting pretty hard to look at.